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If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today
> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
> I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
> I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
> Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went> T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best> Before End'
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke> said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,> "You've got cholera."
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,> it's P something T something R.
> I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just> went on and on.
> The recruitment consultan asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I> said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,> "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for> the custard."
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.> He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"> I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you> anything."
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip> outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes> first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been> promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd> been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing> director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me> what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a> cat in there.
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the> shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two> counts.
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I> said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the> splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules "
>From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
5. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
6. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
7. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
8. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
9. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
10. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
11. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
12. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
14. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
17. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
18. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. You have too many shoes.
21. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
22. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
geesus |
Latest page update: made by geesus
, Nov 22 2007, 4:43 AM EST
(about this update
About This Update
Edited by geesus
18 words added 18 words deleted view changes - complete history) |
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